Kick Ass 2010

Kick Ass, released in April of 2010 did just that. Kicked Ass. We start with our hero Dave Lizewski (played by Aaron Johnson) narrating the first five minutes. Dave basically discusses superheroes, his dead mother and masturbating about his teacher's tits. I honestly believe Matthew Vaughn (directed Snatch and is also directing X-Men: First Class)  added the tissues to the trash repeatedly to remind parents that just because there are kids in the movie doesn't keep it from being rated R.

Once we get past his teacher's tits (nice, by the way, for a Cougar teacher) we get into the movie. I spoil all movies, so I'll try not to spoil this one too. Yeah right!).

The basic premise is the dweeb hates being mugged so he begins his valiant attempt at vigilante justice. which fails miserably. He basically gets his name reversed upon himself (get it? ass kicked?) on several occasions. While getting his ass pounded (metaphorically, thank goodness) he runs into Big Daddy, played by Nicolas Cage, and Hit Girl, played by Chloe Moretz. Chloe, in case you don't recognize her, did voice work for My Friends Tigger and Poo from 2007-2008. Don't let the sweet little voice fool you, though. Her character is vicious and lays a trail of blood and entrails every time she puts her mask on.

Well, as the plot unfolds, it turns out that Big Daddy has a score to settle with Frank D'Amico, played by Mark Strong. Strong played Lord Blackwood in Sherlock Holmes recently, as well as Godfrey in Robin Hood, two blockbuster hits of 2010. He was busy.  Strong has no idea that Big Daddy even exists, and a string of hits against his evil little empire are blamed on Kick Ass because someone actually got a shot of him on his camera phone.

So Frank's son Chris (played by Christopher Mintz-Plasse; Superbad, Role Models, How to Train Your Dragon) sells his dad on the idea that in order to catch the hero, he has to be a hero. So Chris transforms himself into Red Mist, drives around in a supe-d up car and finds Kick Ass. After realizing that Kick Ass is innocent, he finds out who the real culprit is for all the damage being done to Frank's people.

Eventually, he tricks Kick Ass into luring Big Daddy to his demise. Big Daddy's little girl (she's what, 13?) kills everyone in site, but not in time to save her father. Now it's her time for revenge. She takes out everyone in site and then Kick Ass blows Frank up with a Bazooka.

I know. Totally random. But in the movie it makes sense.

It's already rumored that 2012 will bring us another installment of Kick Ass (Balls to the Wall), but that wasn't too hard to swallow when you see that Chris is still alive and looking for vengeance too.

All in all, it was a very fun movie to watch. Kinda hardcore in some spots, like when they cut some guy's fingers off with a cable cutter, microwaved another guy, crushed someone in a car crusher, and then the overall action always ended in guts and brain spew (which was kinda cool). There was certainly a good amount of action, the plot was well thought out and easy to follow, and our hero (Kick Ass) gets the girl Lyndsy Fonseca who plays Katie Deauxma (Which is French for ten times hotter than...). Lyndsy has been all over TV from Boston Public to House M.D. and is also rumored to be in the sequel to this movie. She was also in Hot Tub Time Machine (played Jennie), but we'll get to that movie later.

Here are the numbers:

Gratuitous violence by a 13 year old: 9
Masturbation references in narrative: 3
The Balls it took to do this movie: 8
Unrelenting Spider Man references: 2
Nudity: 1
Cameos: 0
Tits and Ass: 3
Special effects: 7
Geek to Hero: 9

Brings our grand total for Kick Ass to 4.67. Don't let the number fool you, this movie was fantastic.

Zombieland 2009

First and foremost, there's a definite genre for this film. I just have no idea what it is. It's not really your typical zombie movie, it's not a dark comedy, not really a drama. More like a mix between all of these. I mean, if you took the zombie's out of the movie and only implied they existed, it'd still be an awesome movie. So let's just get that out in the open up front, first.

Secondly, Ruben Fleischer won an audience award at the Catalonian Film Festival this year for Zombieland, his Directorial Debut. For his first film, it's got the makings of Fight Club cult classic all over it, cigarette burns in the reel included. Well, except the ending wouldn't garner the "huh?" reaction from like most cult films and you could actually understand almost 99 percent of the movie. It just made perfect sense.

This movie is about living, getting by each day, one day at a time in hopes of finding your twinkie. Think of the way the characters are named. They are all named after a place, when they introduce themselves. Columbus and Tallahassee; not a place they've been or where they are from, but where they are going. Tallahassee, because he's just heading there, Columbus is looking to see if his parents are still alive and they live in Columbus, etc.

So Columbus, played by Jesse Eisenberg (Adventureland) meets Tallahassee  who's played perfectly by Woody Harrelson (if you don't know who he is, climb out from under that rock) and immediately hit it off by hating each other, but at least tolerating one another. Then both of them meet Witchita  (Emma Stone, Superbad and Little Rock) Abigail Breslin (who was the voice of Rosebud in Air Buddies and started her career in the movie Signs) and have a very easy time hating both of them. 

 

The feeling's mutual. Tallahassee has no twinkie, no guns,  no car and Columbus has no girl to push the hair behind her ears. The girls are heading toward Pacific Playland because there are no zombies there. Everyone has a place in their mind that has no zombies; the fact is there's no such place.  In the movie, there is no such place where zombies don't run rampant killing everyone.

Anyway, Bill Murray pulls off a fantastic cameo and overall the sound track is the best since Forrest Gump, in my mind. These are the two most memorable things in the movie.

Unlike most movies I review, I will not ruin this for anyone. You really should see this. There's a little gore in the beginning, and the occasional freakish zombie eating intestines, but it's really not enough to hurt the experience. You have to see this movie if only for the Bill Murray cameo.

Here are the numbers:

Random yet wonderfully played Bill Murray cameo: 10. He's fantastic.

Violence: 8.0. There's a lot of it but it doesn't take away from the film at all.

Ridiculousness: 7.0. The entire premise is ridiculous that we'd be taken over by zombies, but if we were, I'd hope to be on the road with these guys.

Not seeing Emma stone at least partially nude: 5.0. I could live with out it, but it would have given the movie some flair.

Tits and ass: 6.0. There are tits and ass, but usually they are being eaten by zombies.

Creative euphemisms for sex: 6.0. There were some, but definitely not enough.

Waiting for the evil zombie music: 8.0. No evil zombie music, thank god.

Watching a geek become and then live the life of a hero: 8.0. Columbus is awesome. He's my hero, but he didn't grab Witchita's hair and pound her from behind.

Grand total of 7.25. 

 

I love this film. I really do. I believe this will come down to be one of the best cult classics of all time.

Land of the Lost 2009

Anyone looking to watch Land of the Lost (LOL for short) for serious acting, stunning visual effects or witty comedy, stop right here. It's just not what you are going to get, so lighten up. Nobody liked this film. I didn't like this film, but just like a child that throws food all over the house, you still love that child and keep trying to force feed it asparagus and carrots and everything else that's good for it.

And that's just what we do with Will Ferrel's odd choice of movies here. Sometimes we're proud of Will's movies. We take them home, love and cherish them and put them in spots of honor in our movie collection. Other times we put them out for the yard sale the day after we buy them or just bring 'em back to where we bought them.

Once you get past the extremely low-budget look to the movie (which is sort of appropriate for LOL anyway), the ridiculous pretense (whoops, which is also sorta, um, like the original series), and the crappy acting (I think we're on a roll here), it's actually kinda fun to watch.

Will Ferrel plays Dr. Rick Marshall, a quantum paleontologist who's sole claim to fame was being ripped a new asshole by Matt Lauer (played by himself) on the eve of the release of his new book, as he tries to explain how time warps are necessary to solve our fossil fuel problem. Matt Lauer plays a fantastic nasty version of himself and eventually uses a fire extinguisher to subdue Marshall.

Cut away three years later, Marshall is in a class of some kind teaching kids about Tachyons when in comes Anna Friel playing the part of Holly Cantrell, Marshall's biggest and only fan. Coincidentally she's hot. She convinces him to fix or repair the tachyon machine and finds that the one place that has the best place to find tachyons is in Devil's Canyon. Or something like that. This is where they meet Danny McBride playing the character of Will Stanton, the redneck

Regardless of what you think about the movie, the cinematography was actually pretty well done. The script was actually pretty funny if you pay close attention to what Will Ferrel is actually saying everytime something happens.

"Captain Kirk's Nipples!"

"What a piece of crap! The machine, I mean, not A Chorus Line. I love Show tunes. They really tell the story of the human condition."

Just totally random weird shit. Completely serious.

Anyway, so Marshall winds up in another time/dimension/place/set with Holly and Will and immediately finds a viking ship and a Cessna. In the home movie he's making he describes Will as "Some trashy trailer park reject that smells like malt liquor and feet..." and Will says "I'm standing right here!".

Okay, not roll on the floor funny, but situationally funny.

Enter Chaka, some form of bipedal life (slightly monkey, kinda human) played Jorma Taccone who as it happens  to understand english within about 10 minutes of being introduced in the movie. Totally feasible, of course.

Anyway, enough of the plot. The script doesn't really put a lot into it, so why should I. The rest of the movie is fun to watch and the dialogue is actually pretty funny mostly. Leonard Nimoy plays a cameo, which gives some amount of life to the movie.

Here are the numbers.

Overall Ridiculousness: 7. Could have definitely been more ridiculous. For instance, there could have been midgets. No midgets in this film except possibly Chaka.

Violence: 3. No violence, really, except the dinosaur stalking Marshall, but that was just funny.

Tits and Ass: 0.0. None. Except for maybe some indirectly at the very end which I won't talk about because I don't want to completely ruin the movie (as if I could).

Random dialogue: 6.0. Funny enough to keep the movie along in between smoking your crack pipe to stay interested.

Completely random number: 4.

Overall 2.5.   Funny, bad effects, somewhat good dialogue, and Anna Friel in a wife beater and shorts. Meh. It' was altogether mediocre but I liked it about as much as I liked the original series, which, mind you, sucked.

Quantum Leap: in 144 words.

Quantum Leap: Sam jumps person to person for 5 years, gets laid once? 

 

Turns out was just god's mean joke. Jumps forever; Al keeps living. Sucker!

Crank 2: High Voltage 2009

I'd like to personally thank Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, the directors of Crank High Voltage (aka, Crank 2), for taking the time and effort it obviously took to incorporate as much tits and ass as humanly possible into a movie that has nothing to do with tits and ass whatsoever. 

 

Watching something like Animal House, or Van Wilder, or any National Lampoon movie since 1983, you actually expect tits and ass. and are then completely disappointed when you get the shaft. You expect it and you get jipped when you get like four seconds of the side of some body-double's boob. Sorta like Crank (the first one, that is).  So tits and ass do not make a mediocre movie into an incredible one, but they certainly do take one's mind off the senile fuck that came up with the premise to the sequel here.

I'm thirty-three minutes into this movie and there's more tits and ass in this movie than the last four movies I reviewed, and most of the porn I don't bother finding any pertinence in, combined. There's fucking, there's spanking, there's nudity, there's strippers, there's jiggly juggliness, there's even hookers and mostly naked chicks with guns running amok. In fact, whenever there's something completely mindless and ridiculous going on, count on naked girls to show up with guns. 

But does this make a good movie thus far? I really think this is what the last movie lacked completely. Maybe the directors felt that too much sexuality in the  first movie might have distracted the casual viewer from the fact that Efren Ramirez (Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite) played a cross-dressing freak and that would draw in audiences all on its own. Instead, now Efren plays the freak's brother, who happens to have something the movie refers to (in big bold letters) "Full Body Tourette Syndrome." Apparently one out of every six billion people have it, and it happens that Venus (Ramirez) just happens to show up on a scooter to rescue Chev (Jason Statham) from being arrested by the police. 

There's nothing wrong whatsoever with Jason Statham's acting, either. I really did enjoy his parts in Snatch, The Italian Job, as well as a few others. Although my review of the first Crank movie was a little rough, this one, I think, might come across a bit more respectful.

But before we get there, let's take a look at the premise:

Three months after his supposed death in the first Crank, Eve Lydon (Amy Smart) has begun pole dancing. Completely coincidental, in fact, that Chev happens upon her in a completely random strip club that he just happened to find out about from a hooker that he saved. But no, life would be so easy if it just followed simple laws of physics. Instead of dying, Chev just sort of bounced off a car, landed on the asphalt and was literally shoveled off the pavement and thrown into a van. When he woke up, it was three months later and he had a plastic heart installed into his body while he was still awake by two surgeons who looked vaguely Asian. Of course, he was required to recharge the battery pack that came with the heart (as he found out by someone who's number he happened to know by heart (get it?) and Dr. Miles coincidentally was a heart transplant expert played marvelously by Dwight Yoakam), and when that got screwed up, he looked for someone to mess with for the rest of the movie that might try to electrocute him. A few someone's, in fact.

Make sense yet? Guy broke the battery to his plastic heart, so he has to keep charging his heart up any way he can. Get it?

So here's Chev running amok and plugging himself into anything with electricity. You are probably thinking to yourself "How many ways could the directors possibly defy the laws of physics and yet make it even somewhat believable?"

It turns out three. Getting tazed, fucking and when the EMT used the paddles were the only three activities (the middle one worked because it generated "friction" and gave a great excuse to watch two people go at it on a horse track) that would not actually kill him outright. Just for giggles, let's see how he tries to recharge:

1. Wiring ignition cables to it.
2. Getting a Jump Start using jumper cables and his tongue
3. Getting tazed
4. Electronic Dog Collar
5. Rubbing up against an elderly woman at a horse track
6. Fucking extravagantly on the horse track itself during the race
7. EMT jumping his heart with paddles.
8. Massive electrical transformers (which, then, also transformed the movie into a really awesome king kong versus godzilla (except with mutated characters) sequence which was hysterically funny)

9. Not so massive electricity transformer on top of an electric pole which nonetheless catches his hair and clothing on fire and causes him to hallucinate that he's screwing Eve and not burning the weird asian hooker that he previously saved at the beginning of the movie. 

By the way, GREAT Cameo by Ron Jeremy playing a raucious picketer in the movie. Very cool. And then we had another great cameo by David Carradine (RIP) who played the 100 year old horny Fu-Manchu Asian man  Poon Dong who actually was the recipient of Chev's heart in the first place.

Okay, so we get past all that to the final big finale of tits, ass, guns, knives, nun-chucks, a random head in a fish tank, nude women, fire, electricity, a pool, gorgeous backdrop and hallucinations and the movie finally ends with Dr. Miles transplanting the heart into a burnt wrapped body during the credits. So not sure how this will work out, whether there will be a Crank 3: Fucking for dear life or not, but I'll be sure to watch it.

So here's the break down:

Tits and ass: 9.9. This is officially the best tits and ass movie I have yet to see that Scarlett Johansson wasn't in.

A completely randomly generated number: 5.1

Overall Ridiculousness: 8.5. This movie was just plain ridiculous, but started making fun of itself about half way through, so that was awesome.

Violence: 7.0: There was non-stop violence, but mostly really ridiculous violence (like sawing off one's own nipple) that was just sort of too stupid to be called violence. 

Violins: 0.0. There were no violins of any type in this movie at all.

Fucking: 8.9 Extremely well done, particularly because it's during a horse race on the horse track while horses are jumping over them in front of thousands of people.

Special effects: 8.0: The cutaways were kinda cool, but there weren't all that many noticeable special effects to draw away from the ridiculousness of the movie.

Random cutouts to completely random situations that were just plain funny as all hell: 8.8. This happened often, they were always ridiculous and funny and lent to a better experience.

So overall I rated this movie 7.025, which is pretty damned good. I really couldn't believe a sequel could be better than the first, but this certainly was.

500 Days of Summer 2009

This was an awkward movie. Picture that one girl you met several years ago, the one that says "we should just be friends" and proves it by fucking you consistently, and leading you on every day toward an end that you know will involve you having the feeling of being shit on by everyone in your life simultaneously.  All while saying, "no really, we're just friends. We shouldn't put a label on this. Honestly, I'm just happy as we are here and now, friends. Wanna fuck?"

Yes, I've been on the receiving end of the Summer (Zooey Deschanel) character. I've been Tom Hansen (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) quite a few times in my life. And every single time it's because she had a boyfriend. This movie's no different, really, except the boyfriend doesn't come in until day 460 or so. So at least that lends the character of Summer a tiny bit of credibility. And sure, she was up front in the beginning. First time they talked for more than six seconds, she laid it out (in more ways than one, of course) the way she felt and then proved it by just being as romantic as possible with the shmuck Tom.

And Tom is a shmuck, just like I was, just like you were, just like most nice people are. You might be a shmuck and not even know it. Summer just used Tom until she could find her true love, which, of course, wasn't him. She was practicing. Well good for fucking her.

Let this movie be a beacon. An indicator. If you watch this movie and say "yeah, who needs labels anyway?" then you, my ignoramus dipshit of a reader, are a fucking shmuck.

But aside from that, this was a really well done movie. Usually the skipping from day to day back and forth would aggravate me (much like The Fountain did when I reviewed it) but in this case it was pretty helpful. The scenes skip so you can see where everything was particularly fucked up.

Like for instance, there's a scene where they are in a restaurant. She says "where are we going. what is this?" etc. He says "aren't you happy?" and then a little while into the movie, the same scene, roles reversed, happens in his car. The first one, they are in the process of breaking up, shit sucks, and he has no clue what to do. The second time (which, chronologically is the first time) they are both happy to be a part of each other's life. Stuff like that was pretty cool.

And at the end, of course, just to make this movie rounded out a sappy love flick that's trying not to be a love flick, he gets emotionally mangled by Summer just to bump into a new girl Alison (Rache. Boston). That, of course, worked out great as he poured his soul to her about, guess who? Summer.

Yep, she took that longer than most girls would, but Rachel Boston just literally must of walked off her canceled set of Ex-list onto the set of 500 days of Summer before they shot the scene in the diner, so she wasn't exactly in any rush to go anywhere. She finally smartens up and leaves while he does karoake poorly and drunk, and he bumps into Summer while he's moping at his favorite spot in the park. She's not stalking him, of course. So he tries to get on with his life by going to 10,000 interviews as an architect because that's what he was studying before he wasted several hundred days with Summer. So on the very last interview before he basically has no other place to go, he bumps into a new girl while waiting for the interview. She's interviewing for the same job. Her name is...

wait for it....

Autumn.

Autumn, of course, is the fabulously sexy Minka Kelly who's extensive career thus far includes such renowned movies like Devil's Highway, The Pumkin Karver and... well, this movie. Yeah, I have no idea either, but she's gorgeous.

The particularly interesting thing about the film, the thing that got me, was that the narrator (there's a narrator, and his name is Richard McGonagle, and he's appeared in or done voice-overs for EVERYTHING you've ever seen) actually says at one point "this is not a love story," when, in truth, it was a love story. Like when she said "we should just be friends" and fucked him ass-way-backwards throughout the film.

Alright then. There's my rant of a movie review. Now for some points.

Reality: Horribly bad Karoake done extremely well: 5.4

Tits and Ass: There was absolutely no tits and ass in this movie: 0.1

Masochism: You really like this movie although it hurts like hell to think that the very movie you are watching right this second is actually something you could have written the screenplay for: 7.3

Simulated sex: All sex that appears on your screen, regardless of how real it looks, really is simulated. The shower scene was portrayed rather well, particularly leading up to it parts. 8.1

Visually the movie was very stimulating, shot very well. You can see several shots that really made the film and I was impressed by the overall tone of the movie. 8.2

Aggravated that not only does Zooey look like my ex, but so does the "look-a-like" Kathryn Weisbeck, if not moreso. What, did someone steal my frigging brain for a week? 3.5

That brings us to a total of 5.433. Just a pubic hair over average. I would see it again.

Idiocracy 2006

This work computer is really pissing me off. After a year of using a laptop and getting used to there being a nice little neat touchpad down there in the middle of the keyboard, and having all the keys nice and flat so they don't make noises when you type, I'm lucky I haven't thrown this whole system through a wall yet. ARGH. Which makes writing reviews, by the way, much harder. Fucking shit! I can't even get the stupid spell checker to work on this fucking thing. Argh, I am not in a good place right now.

Well, except for the most ridiculous movie of the year so far, which was Idiocracy. It stars Luke Wilson and Maya Rudolph, two people who are stuck together unceremoniously in some weird army experiment. The premise of the movie, is they take two "morons" and stick them in capsules and wake them up a year later.

Well, unfortunately, things go bad somewhere and they wind up being forgotten. 500 years later, in a garbage dump avalanche gone horribly bad (you ever hear of a good avalanche?) Luke Wilson's character winds up in the parlor of Dax Shepard (who's character is a lawyer) while he's taking a dump on his toilet/couch. He freaks out, and goes to a doctor played ingeniously by Justin Long, and winds up in jail for being so smart, basically.

Long story cut way way way...WAAAAAAAAAAY short:

He becomes secretary of the interior. Can you name our secretary of the Interior without looking it up? Exactly. Completely ridiculous eh.

I really don't want to go too much into this one, because although it was funny and very worth my while watching it, I have a splitting headache from laughing so loud at it. I watched the movie right before I watched Eulogy, but I'm still reeling from it.

I'm not going to do my usual breakdown on this one, as it was just too funny to really pay attention to much going on in the film.

So, just this time, go out and rent Idiocracy purely because I told you to. I'll even rate it a random 7.9 for shits and giggles if that makes you feel better about yourself in the morning. It's really really stupid, and that makes it quite funny.

It's especially a good movie to watch if you sit there thinking how bad your life is, and you are completely depressed and stuff.

It's like a paper towel: a quicker picker upper. Yeah.

Eulogy 2004

I've actually seen quite a number of movies over the past couple weeks, but as my computer died on me recently, I've been quite unable to share them with you. So I finally broke into a work computer far enough that it actually plays videos I find online. It's rather dead tonight so I thought I'd share this little gem with you.

If you haven't seen Eulogy yet,  you are certainly missing out on a really fun movie. Technically it's a drama, and there are a lot of serious issues being developed in the story, but really it's a comedy neatly disguised as a drama acting like a comedy laughing at the drama going on in a comedic yet dramatic sort of way. Ish.

The story is simple. Grampa dies and everyone shows up for the funeral, and within seconds you realize no one in the family likes either Grampa or anyone else for that matter, except for the main character Zooey Deschanel who plays Kate Collins, the granddaughter. Apparently she is the only one that liked Grampa. She also narrates the film.

Kelly Preston plays Zooey's lesbian Aunt, who's lesbian feance happens to be none other than Famke Janssen. For those of you who live under a rock, Famke Janssen played Jean Grey in the X-Men movies. And, for those of you who are blind, she's drop dead gorgeous.

Anyways, Ray Romano plays Grampa's son Skip Collins, and he's a divorcee with two sex starved 11 year old boys. How you somehow become sex starved at 11 I have no idea. When I was eleven, I was climbing trees and farting at the next door neighbor's daughter for fun. I wonder what ever happened to that girl...She was so awesome. She liked me. Once she threw an oil filter at my head for no reason at all. It was love at first site. I ripped a tree (it wasn't a big tree, and I was a pretty strong kid at 11) and threw that back at her. I think because it was a couple weeks belated she didn't understand it was retribution for the oil filter thing, so that didn't work too well in the whole "ha, so take that!" department. This went on for days and days until her dog ate her.

Where was I.

Oh yeah, so ya got Kelly Preston and Ray Romano, two very strong actors, and then their sister is played by Debra Winger, who plays a neurotic Alice Collins. Alice is basically the epitome of a (did I already say neurotic?) bad sister; completely judgemental towards Lucy and her lesbian lover (can you just picture Kelly Preston and Famke Janssen triple-tonguing the skin turbans? I can.), who talks so much her husband and kids are literally in fear just thinking about talking.

Rounding out the story is Hank Azaria, another son of Grampa who plays Daniel Collins, who is just brilliant no matter what role he's playing. He plays an obscure adult film star who got his childhood fame by being in some peanut butter commercial. go figure. Hot sticky goo in the face- things just don't change for him apparently.

Regardless. It's a really cute story about how no one really knows what to do and how to react to Grampa being dead, so they just take out all their psychological issues on everyone else in their family.

The whole time you watch the movie, though, all you think about is Kelly Preston and Famke Janssen double-teaming the soft naked enchiladas. No offense, but really. I've literally paid attention to nothing else other than those two and the thoughts of them finding how many licks it takes to get to the center of their vagina pops. I think I have to change my shorts.

But really, things could be worse. Oh, and I just realized that Hank Azaria plays the part of Katey's (Zooey Deschanel) Dad. See, somehow I missed that until just now. Crap.

I think the neatest part of the movie was the cameo by Rene Auberjonois, who was basically famous for playing the part of Odo on Deep Space Nine, among seven  million other tv show appearances. You know he started his career as a voice over on the Jetsons? He was also on the tv show Bensons, which I think he was most famous for, and most recently a role on Boston Legal. Just random filler for this review, basically, but noteworthy nonetheless.

So here's the official countdown:

Thinking of Kelly Preston and Famke Janssen doing the naked bungee noodle slip a dee doo da day- 10.0.

Actually seeing Kelly Preston and Famke Janssen participating in the two-way Indy 69 thousand- 1.0.

Not caring about whether Kelly Preston and Famke Janssen actually do it on screen or not but getting off at the mere thought of it the entire time I watched this movie, thus, missing most of the movie- 10.0

Trying to come up with creative euphamisms for Kelly Preston and Famke Janssen getting it on the lesbian way- 10.0

You know, I really can't stop thinking about Kelly Preston and Famke Janssen lip-locking the fandango buffalo monsters, so I'll throw in another- 10.0

Okay, seriously. This movie was actually very heart warming, and it was awesome to see Debra Winger as a psychotic bitch, but it certainly wasn't anywhere close to as exhilerating as thinking about Kelly Preston and Famke Janssen riding the naked tuna boat to charlieville- 8.0

I really need to stop thinking about Kelly Preston and Famke Janssen. So, in lieu of a reference to lesbian sex, let's concentrate on some other fine aspects of this movie. Like when the two twin hormones freaked out their aunt by ripping into their birthday cake and shaping it like two breasts. That was kinda funny. 5.0

Oh, and when Grampa's wife OD'ed, and they pumped her stomach, Ray Ramano is saying on the phone : "Hey sis, did they puke her? Alright, I'll spread it...Aight, bye...[hangs up phone] She unswallowed."  That was the best puke euphamism of all time. That inspired me to write a love poem about puke a while back. For that line alone, I'll throw in a 7.5

Wishing I was 11 and my aunt was dating a hot lesbian (well, like I said, it wouldn't have really mattered...)- 5

Overall experience- 7

A completely random number I chose because I have to pee-

Which gives this movie a grand total of 7.0.

And just in general, I hope you are not taking 10 to mean "Must See" and 1 to mean "avoid at all costs". It's just a stupid numbering system. I mean, look here, I put 10 this time, and usually I only put 8. I must really be bored.