I'd like to personally thank Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, the directors of Crank High Voltage (aka, Crank 2), for taking the time and effort it obviously took to incorporate as much tits and ass as humanly possible into a movie that has nothing to do with tits and ass whatsoever.
Watching something like Animal House, or Van Wilder, or any National Lampoon movie since 1983, you actually expect tits and ass. and are then completely disappointed when you get the shaft. You expect it and you get jipped when you get like four seconds of the side of some body-double's boob. Sorta like Crank (the first one, that is). So tits and ass do not make a mediocre movie into an incredible one, but they certainly do take one's mind off the senile fuck that came up with the premise to the sequel here.
I'm thirty-three minutes into this movie and there's more tits and ass in this movie than the last four movies I reviewed, and most of the porn I don't bother finding any pertinence in, combined. There's fucking, there's spanking, there's nudity, there's strippers, there's jiggly juggliness, there's even hookers and mostly naked chicks with guns running amok. In fact, whenever there's something completely mindless and ridiculous going on, count on naked girls to show up with guns.
But does this make a good movie thus far? I really think this is what the last movie lacked completely. Maybe the directors felt that too much sexuality in the first movie might have distracted the casual viewer from the fact that Efren Ramirez (Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite) played a cross-dressing freak and that would draw in audiences all on its own. Instead, now Efren plays the freak's brother, who happens to have something the movie refers to (in big bold letters) "Full Body Tourette Syndrome." Apparently one out of every six billion people have it, and it happens that Venus (Ramirez) just happens to show up on a scooter to rescue Chev (Jason Statham) from being arrested by the police.
There's nothing wrong whatsoever with Jason Statham's acting, either. I really did enjoy his parts in Snatch, The Italian Job, as well as a few others. Although my review of the first Crank movie was a little rough, this one, I think, might come across a bit more respectful.
But before we get there, let's take a look at the premise:
Three months after his supposed death in the first Crank, Eve Lydon (Amy Smart) has begun pole dancing. Completely coincidental, in fact, that Chev happens upon her in a completely random strip club that he just happened to find out about from a hooker that he saved. But no, life would be so easy if it just followed simple laws of physics. Instead of dying, Chev just sort of bounced off a car, landed on the asphalt and was literally shoveled off the pavement and thrown into a van. When he woke up, it was three months later and he had a plastic heart installed into his body while he was still awake by two surgeons who looked vaguely Asian. Of course, he was required to recharge the battery pack that came with the heart (as he found out by someone who's number he happened to know by heart (get it?) and Dr. Miles coincidentally was a heart transplant expert played marvelously by Dwight Yoakam), and when that got screwed up, he looked for someone to mess with for the rest of the movie that might try to electrocute him. A few someone's, in fact.
Make sense yet? Guy broke the battery to his plastic heart, so he has to keep charging his heart up any way he can. Get it?
So here's Chev running amok and plugging himself into anything with electricity. You are probably thinking to yourself "How many ways could the directors possibly defy the laws of physics and yet make it even somewhat believable?"
It turns out three. Getting tazed, fucking and when the EMT used the paddles were the only three activities (the middle one worked because it generated "friction" and gave a great excuse to watch two people go at it on a horse track) that would not actually kill him outright. Just for giggles, let's see how he tries to recharge:
1. Wiring ignition cables to it.
2. Getting a Jump Start using jumper cables and his tongue
3. Getting tazed
4. Electronic Dog Collar
5. Rubbing up against an elderly woman at a horse track
6. Fucking extravagantly on the horse track itself during the race
7. EMT jumping his heart with paddles.
8. Massive electrical transformers (which, then, also transformed the movie into a really awesome king kong versus godzilla (except with mutated characters) sequence which was hysterically funny)
9. Not so massive electricity transformer on top of an electric pole which nonetheless catches his hair and clothing on fire and causes him to hallucinate that he's screwing Eve and not burning the weird asian hooker that he previously saved at the beginning of the movie.
By the way, GREAT Cameo by Ron Jeremy playing a raucious picketer in the movie. Very cool. And then we had another great cameo by David Carradine (RIP) who played the 100 year old horny Fu-Manchu Asian man Poon Dong who actually was the recipient of Chev's heart in the first place.
So here's Chev running amok and plugging himself into anything with electricity. You are probably thinking to yourself "How many ways could the directors possibly defy the laws of physics and yet make it even somewhat believable?"
It turns out three. Getting tazed, fucking and when the EMT used the paddles were the only three activities (the middle one worked because it generated "friction" and gave a great excuse to watch two people go at it on a horse track) that would not actually kill him outright. Just for giggles, let's see how he tries to recharge:
1. Wiring ignition cables to it.
2. Getting a Jump Start using jumper cables and his tongue
3. Getting tazed
4. Electronic Dog Collar
5. Rubbing up against an elderly woman at a horse track
6. Fucking extravagantly on the horse track itself during the race
7. EMT jumping his heart with paddles.
8. Massive electrical transformers (which, then, also transformed the movie into a really awesome king kong versus godzilla (except with mutated characters) sequence which was hysterically funny)
9. Not so massive electricity transformer on top of an electric pole which nonetheless catches his hair and clothing on fire and causes him to hallucinate that he's screwing Eve and not burning the weird asian hooker that he previously saved at the beginning of the movie.
By the way, GREAT Cameo by Ron Jeremy playing a raucious picketer in the movie. Very cool. And then we had another great cameo by David Carradine (RIP) who played the 100 year old horny Fu-Manchu Asian man Poon Dong who actually was the recipient of Chev's heart in the first place.
Okay, so we get past all that to the final big finale of tits, ass, guns, knives, nun-chucks, a random head in a fish tank, nude women, fire, electricity, a pool, gorgeous backdrop and hallucinations and the movie finally ends with Dr. Miles transplanting the heart into a burnt wrapped body during the credits. So not sure how this will work out, whether there will be a Crank 3: Fucking for dear life or not, but I'll be sure to watch it.
So here's the break down:
Tits and ass: 9.9. This is officially the best tits and ass movie I have yet to see that Scarlett Johansson wasn't in.
A completely randomly generated number: 5.1
Overall Ridiculousness: 8.5. This movie was just plain ridiculous, but started making fun of itself about half way through, so that was awesome.
Violence: 7.0: There was non-stop violence, but mostly really ridiculous violence (like sawing off one's own nipple) that was just sort of too stupid to be called violence.
Violins: 0.0. There were no violins of any type in this movie at all.
Fucking: 8.9 Extremely well done, particularly because it's during a horse race on the horse track while horses are jumping over them in front of thousands of people.
Special effects: 8.0: The cutaways were kinda cool, but there weren't all that many noticeable special effects to draw away from the ridiculousness of the movie.
Random cutouts to completely random situations that were just plain funny as all hell: 8.8. This happened often, they were always ridiculous and funny and lent to a better experience.
So overall I rated this movie 7.025, which is pretty damned good. I really couldn't believe a sequel could be better than the first, but this certainly was.
So here's the break down:
Tits and ass: 9.9. This is officially the best tits and ass movie I have yet to see that Scarlett Johansson wasn't in.
A completely randomly generated number: 5.1
Overall Ridiculousness: 8.5. This movie was just plain ridiculous, but started making fun of itself about half way through, so that was awesome.
Violence: 7.0: There was non-stop violence, but mostly really ridiculous violence (like sawing off one's own nipple) that was just sort of too stupid to be called violence.
Violins: 0.0. There were no violins of any type in this movie at all.
Fucking: 8.9 Extremely well done, particularly because it's during a horse race on the horse track while horses are jumping over them in front of thousands of people.
Special effects: 8.0: The cutaways were kinda cool, but there weren't all that many noticeable special effects to draw away from the ridiculousness of the movie.
Random cutouts to completely random situations that were just plain funny as all hell: 8.8. This happened often, they were always ridiculous and funny and lent to a better experience.
So overall I rated this movie 7.025, which is pretty damned good. I really couldn't believe a sequel could be better than the first, but this certainly was.
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