The Fountain 2006

Very interesting concept. But before I go there, I have to say something. I love almost every movie Hugh Jackman has been in, except for maybe Van Helsing. That kinda sucked. Sword Fish was somewhat tolerable mostly because he was in it. And, even though this movie sucked ass horribly, I do have to admit that Jackman played his role superbly. This movie could have sucked ass way more had someone of less talent taken the lead role.

You know Hugh's been acting since 1994? That's over 13 years he's been acting now. It only took him six years to land the role of his life as Logan (Wolverine) in the X-Men franchise. So half of his acting career he's been holy shit famous. Ain't that a hoot?

Anyways, I'm going to watch this movie now and come back on later and finish my review. I probably won't finish it in the next 45 minutes before I leave for home, mostly because I don't think I'll be fast forwarding through this one.

(continued)

Okay, it took me a couple days to watch it a couple more times, because honestly, it's a great movie about...I have no fucking clue. Darren Aronofsky is the director of this film. He was made mediocre by his attempt at film in 1998 with a completly obscure film called "Pi" which no one saw at all. In fact, you can still find a perfectly brand new rental copy of it at your local CockBuster Video store if you look hard enough. Not a scratch and the movies been in rental since 1998 or so.

But I haven't got a single clue what The Fountain is about. Literally. I kinda got the idea that it's about some guy who finds the tree of life and stabs it and drinks from it's milky sap and turns into a plant.

But you don't get that till the last 10 minutes.

The rest of the film is caught somewhere between the invasion of south america by the conquistadors in the 1500's and present. Jackman happens to be one of them, and modern day where Jackman is some sort of doctor who experiments on animals finding cures for diseases etc. We all assume he just lived that long to be here five hundred years later, but I really don't know for sure if that's what happened. Then while those two magnificently boring plots are taking place in the movie, we switch back to Jackman as some bald headed Harikrishna who is bent on fucking this poor tree till it's dead. For dramatic affect, he is surrounded by really bad effects.

And to make matters just more interestingly confusing, It seems they are all taking place at the same time and Rachel Weisz is somehow involved. Rachel Weisz played the Angela Dodson/Isabel Dodson in Constantine, and most recently starred in the Box Office Flop Eragon as Saphira. You might also remember her as the extremely gorgeous Evelyn Carnahan in the Mummy series (The Mummy, 1999 and The Mummy Returns, 2001).

I was at a loss to really understand the movie as it was a bit choppy, and the fact that there were basically three plots going on at the same time with no end or middle or beginning to any of them, but I bet if I watch it about another 100 times I might pick up some subtle plot points that I might have missed the first two times I saw it over the last couple days.

I didn't even fast forward through it, and I still didn't get most of it.

I feel so unintellectual now.

So, here are the results:

Tits and Ass, 0.0. There are no tits or ass of any kind in this movie.

A clue, 0.0. As in, I kinda like to have some fucking clue as to what the fuck I just saw, and I really fucking don't have one.

Satisfying my fantasy of watching some guy's wife die, but maybe she really didn't die, and hey, is he dead anyways, no wait, is he alive? 5.5.

Special effects, 2.0. It reminded me of movies made in the fifties with guys in scuba gear growling and tearing apart plastic submarines in the director's pool.

Getting the feeling that Darren Aronofsky is on some serious crack, 8.5

Watching a movie to "experience it" regardless of plot line or dialogue, 1.0.

Violence, fight scenes, etc, 2.0. Not too much gore, which is good, but in this movie, just makes it worse. At least some gore would have made it more interesting.

Holding my breath to see if  they could get Rachel Weisz naked, 0.0.

Which leaves us with a small movie case vibrating on the floor in fright with a rating of 2.125, which also happens to be my all time lowest rating for any movie except for one.  Mel Gibson's Apocalypto wasn't rated at all, mostly because I only use a scale of 0 to 10 and I never reviewed it.