Crank 2006

This was the most absurd movie I've ever seen, and the most unrealistic as well. It was like watching a porn where no one fucks at all. Well, except for when Jason Statham fucks Amy Smart against a post office box on a public street. That was a good concept, but there could have been more tits, if you ask me. The Movie was by far the worst example of how to do an action flick.

Here's the premise. The main character is hooked onto some fucked up crack that (oh, this is good) supposedly affects his adrenaline system so badly that he needs to keep moving and getting an adrenaline rush or he'll die.

So, basically, the movie is "How many ways can we possibly get someone to get an adrenaline rush and do it as tastelessly as possible?"

It gets completely ridiculous. I normally don't like stupid fucking movies like this and this movie is no exception. The gore is done badly, the violence is meaningless at best, and it's completely unrealistic.

I mean, yeah, I can believe someone is going to dive out of a helicopter to their death, choke and kill someone half way to the ground (because they ain't gonna die anyways from impact) and call the girlfriend on their cellphone on the way down to tell her they love her.

Not.

But there is one single redeeming factor in all of this:

The guy drives a car through a mall. That hasn't been done this well in any movie since the original Blues Brothers movie, and it was done brilliantly in Crank, but it was rather short. When the car winds up sideways on an escalator, that was kinda cool. Unfortunately, they really didn't play it up too much else it might have been actually fun to watch. Not only that, it could have been the cornerstone of the movie, which would have made it at least somewhat tolerable to watch.

So to the list.

Fuck factor, 3.5. Soft core porn is more interesting to watch because at least there's more tits in it.

Tits and Ass 4.0, there were some here and there, but it was so shrouded by relentlessly bad acting and violence; mostly bikini's anyways.

Having a copy in widescreen available at the rental store 3.0; didn't make much difference, it sucked on widescreen too.    

Violence 8.0, it wasn't really all that well done, but it was done as extreme as they could make it without making you puke. Really choppy sequencing.

Editing 3.0, It's not that hard to put together a shitty movie, but it's really difficult to make a shitty movie good in editing; they didn't bother trying, obviously.

Fulfilling my fantasy of watching Amy Smart get fucked on a Mail Box in front of 1000 gawking passersby 7.0.

(I loved her in the Butterfly Effect, but I didn't need to see Jason Statham's ass for it.)

Cool shit factor 6.0, okay, some of the effects were interesting, but hardly worth mentioning.

Fast Forward Factor, 5.0, If I have to fast forward through half of the movie just to keep from falling asleep...

For a grand total of 4.94, rounded up, makes 4.9 out of 10. I can't even give it a five. That would be way too generous.