So take a wild guess what happens when I send my wife to BockChuster Video to pick up movies? Yep. You guessed right. "Mr. Fix-it." She picked up that and the most recent installment of Desperate Housewives, and Stephen King's Desperation. You think she's trying to tell me something?
I began watching the movie with a hint of skepticism, as it states rather loudly on the cover "...a great date movie." Right off the bat, being a chick flick causes my sphincter to retract, but we won't go there right now.
The main premise of the movie involves a story about this guy who basically charges loser men money to date their ex-girlfriends and show them just how much the women are missing out now that they dumped them. For instance, he dates a girl who wants "Mr. Sensitive" and he becomes a chauvanistic pig. She wants a guy who isn't as jealous as her ex, he makes pretend that he's the most jealous of all people. She wants someone who's considerate, he's an inconsiderate prick. You get the picture.
David Boreanaz, who had roles in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel and Bones to name a couple, plays the part of Lance Valenteen, super hero to loser dumped morons who can't keep their women. Alana De La Garza plays Sophia, the ex girlfriend of a client, who meets Lance when he finds her at a local strip club. By the way Alana De La Garza looks good wearing hardly anything at all. Anyways, these two meet and Lance, under the auspices of being "new in town" somehow sneaks his way into her life by, well, basically stalking her at places her ex-boyfriend points out to Lance.
There's a particularly good scene where the dog he "borrows" from the pound where his buddy works winds up licking other dogs' asses while he's trying to hit on Sophia. I also found it particularly fun to watch the dog "daydream" about Sophia's poodle- dogs walking, chasing toys, having a picnic, fucking in the moonlight...it was really romantic. I can see why this is such a good date movie.
Oh, and with all this going on, Lance is hoping that by selling this service, he is able to fix up his beater of a camaro and compete in a street racing competition. Kinda juvenile plot. Speaking of plots.
Tobias, Ronald B. wrote "20 Master Plots." (Cincinnati: Writer's Digest Books, 1993) and in this book described them as:
1. Quest
2. Adventure
3. Pursuit
4. Rescue
5. Escape
6. Revenge
7. The Riddle
8. Rivalry
9. Underdog
10. Temptation
11. Metamorphosis
12. Transformation
13. Maturation
14. Love
15. Forbidden Love
16. Sacrifice
17. Discovery
18. Wretched Excess
19. Ascension
20. Descension.
Obviously this was written in 1993, which was a while back, so the author forgot a few that happen to coincide with this movie's review.
21. Visual Masturbation
22. Chick Flick
23. Completely ridiculously faked Italian Accents by real Italian actresses
24. Fucking while completely clothed.
25. Overused video filters.
26. et al.
Just to name a couple. Pick one. I really have no clue what plot line this followed. I really don't think I want to analyze this too much.
Oh, speaking of Alana De La Garza- watching her have an orgasm while grinding Lance while the dog watches, albeit fully clothed, was fucking weird but weird in a kinda hot kinky nice pretty shiny teeth kinda way. There's something about a girl who has a grinding fetish...
Ah... anyways. This movie has all the makings of a great movie- Adults playing Dodge ball, strippers, girls with curvaceous bodies wearing scant bikinis, amateur race car driving, humping dogs, old guys serenading old women...but it lacks some definite block buster features. Like a gag-real. It should be a law that every single comedy slash cute romantic movie should be required to include a gag real in their special features on the DVD. I actually paid for the rental, and I pay for rentals for the fucking gag reels, especially when the movie is less interesting then picking dry skin scabs off my knuckles from the bitter cold weather we've been having up here lately.
Seriously though. This was a "Watch a cute movie, all the while insulting your girlfriend and every member of the opposite sex unbeknownst to them" movie.
I'd like some pizza. And some beer. And I'd like to tickle my wife's feet just for giggles.
Well, I had fun watching the movie, I hardly fast-forwarded through it at all (with the exception of a very poorly done salsa dance scene) and it was actually kinda cute in some respects. Much like wifey and me. Maybe my wife IS trying to tell me something...
So here's the breakdown.
4.5 for tits and ass; there was about thirty-five seconds of anything even remotely close to tits and ass, and half of that time they were fully clothed.
8.0 for fulfilling my fantasy of watching a somewhat unremarkable Italian actress with kinda nice looking breasts grind someone while wearing designer khakis. Did I tell you I knew a girl who used to grind furniture and anything else she could get her crotch on? Yeah, she was fun. A bit hard to compete with a sofa though...
8.5 for having a really wild kinda weird tear-jerking twist at the end that will improve your chances of getting laid on a first date by 381 percent. Or, if you are married, the chance wifey will do the dishes, cook a steak dinner, and perform fellatio on you like a cheerleader.
5.5 on the weirdness scale; mostly for the humping dog at all the weird moments, but unfortunately there wasn't really all that much weird shit going on. The elderly woman saying to another elderly man "I can't wait to check that dipstick" as a sexual innuendo was a bit disturbing...
2.5 for redundant morals and lessons of life and love. There should have been WAY more sex in this movie.
7.5 for the fact that Alana De La Garza looks almost exactly like Liv Tyler with the right makeup and lighting. She could be her sister. That's worth some points right there.
6.0 Inconsistencies; like why is there some random drunk guy in a bar arguing with Sophia? WTF is that all about? And really, why is it that all the plans Lance makes to get the ex-boyfriends back with the girls work??? You mean he never messes things up ever?
1.0 for utter misogyny; Really I think that is shining a very poor light on women in general. But if your chick likes chauvinist pigs or mysogonyst assholes, and you happen to be a big one, then hey- go for it. I mean, the whole premise of the movie is to demonstrate how utterly stupid these women have to be to go back to their ex-boyfriends in the first place. Don't you think they'd have moved on by now and are able to see through a hacker scam?? Don't you think that they are intelligent enough to figure out a scam a mile away, or empowered enough not to automatically fall back to their ex just because some guy turns out to be worse than their ex??
This brings us to the grand total average of 5.4375, which, believe it or not, is only slightly larger than the average... We'll let that one little bit of info go for today
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